Lommi vs Saimouri: Battle of the Mangos
by Digger McFoogle
Summary: Long ago, a feud was started. Was it destiny? Was it fate? Was it hunger? Who knows… all that is certain is that fifteen year old Lombardi Guado has come to seek his rightful place as… MANGO KING!!!! R/R
1. An unfinished war

Lommi vs Saimouri: Battle of the Mangos

Synopsis: Long ago, a feud was started. Was it destiny? Was it fate? Was it hunger? Who knows… all that is certain is that fifteen year old Lombardi Guado has come to seek his rightful place as… MANGO KING!!!! R/R

The fifteen year old Guado walked up to the mansion, his heart pounding with anticipation. Nervously he pushed open the door, only to see Trommell standing there. "Take me to Saimouri" he said gruffly, surprised at how deep his own voice had become. He ran his fingers through his long, blue hair and looked round with his one good eye. The place hadn't really changed.

"Who shall I say is calling on him?"

"Just say it is an old friend."

Seymour could sense it. Something was coming. He stood from his seat, waiting for his servant to return with news. Suddeenly the doors burst open. Seymour turned to see Trommell panting.

"Trommel! What is it?"

"It… he is here, Sir!"

Seymours eyes narrowed as he realised who it must be. "Send him in."

The young Guado looked around the dining hall. He remembered this room well… he had spent many a happy day here… but that was all gone now…

"Lombardi!"

He knew that voice. He spun round to see Seymour standing there.

"Ah! Saimouri! Still dressing strangely, I see?"

"I know why you're here, Lombardi. You have come to finish the battle that began long ago. You see, I remember" he added, holding up a ripe, plump green-and-red fruit. "Oh yes. I remember it well."

"Let's cut to the chase, Saimouri" said Lommi through gritted teeth, drawing his dagger. "Let us finish what we began."

"Very well. Trommell!" he shouted at his manservant, causing him to run to his side. "Yes master Seymour?"

"Bring out the Mangos"

Yaaaay! First Chapter! Ok, this wont make *any* sense if you haven't read Guardian Father, Candle on the Water and Inseparable, so I suggest reading them. Stay tuned!


	2. So it begins

2- So it begins…

Seymour looked menacingly over the table at the young man. He had grown over the last nine years… now he would see what he was made of…

Lommi too stared. Seymour's hair had got shorter.

"So, Lombardi, I hear you are quite the little explorer-"

"Don't stall, Saimouri. I'm here to eat, not hear my own life story."

Seymour looked down at the mangos- one hundred red and one hundred green. He gulped slowly… only an hour ago he'd devoured a whole plate of asparagus…

"What's the matter, Saimouri?" hissed Lommi, putting his feet up on the table. "Chickening out like last time?"

"I DID NOT chicken out! My best friend died!"

"Yeah, whatever!"

"Lombardi!"

"*coughcough* EXCUSE *cough*"

Seymour pouted and sunk back into his chair. "You know the rules?"

Lommi laughed. "Of course! I eat green, you eat red. Whoever wins takes the mixed ones. Right?"

"Right."

Lommi leaned in and stared him straight in the eyes. "Then… Begin!"

Seymour lunged at the first mango, chomping it enthusiastically, the juice running down his chin. He grunted with pleasure and the soft, sweet fruit gradually disappeared. He smirked and picked up the next fruit. He was sure to win.

_Foolish Saimouri_ thought Lommi, slicing his mango in half and biting gently into it. _You think that by eating quickly you will win this race? I have practised with master mango-eaters for many years now… I have learnt their secrets, scoffed fruit till I turned green… all for this moment. Ever heard of the tortoise and the hare? Slow and strady, that's the way to avoid indigestion. BWAHAHAHAHAAA! Seymour Guado, victory shall be mine!_

Trommell stood outside the door, peering through a small gap. How was it that even through death, pain, suffering and the Glories being thrashed by the Psyches (SOOOO unfair!) they still rose to this stupid little challenge? He would never know…

Slowly he got up and walked away from the table, hearing a huge burp as he walked away. Most un-Guadan. Must have been the human blood in him.

"I will beat you, tiny foolish scar-face!"

"NEVER, you half bred pale-face!"

Trommell shook his head and exited quickly. Someone else would have do dal with the mess of this one…

**STAY TUNED FOR MORE BLOATERISH BEHAVIOUR!**


	3. F is for Full

3- F is for Full

Seymour could feel it. Deep in the pit of his stomach. He was beginning to become full.

He looked over to his left. Twenty nine mangos left. His stomach lurched- that plate of asparagus had really filled him up… and he needed to pee…

He looked over to Lombardi. The young Guado smirked back at him, making a big show of eating the last piece of his eighty-ninth mango. Damn him, he was winning. That little man always won everything… he was just so goddamn sweet. Everyone always loved him. He could never do anything wrong. Damn him.

Seymour groaned as he grabbed the next mango. Lazily he tore through the skin, his sharp carnivores sticking in the stone. How could it be? Was he really getting sick of mangos? Beautuful, soft luscious mangos…

No. He could do this. He looked at Lommi venomously and chomped at it, finishing the fruit quickly. Pah! He was not done yet…

Lommi looked at his remaining pile. Only eleven left. Perfect. He was THE MAN!

He shot a self-satisfied look at Seymour. Hah! That will teach him to be so cocky! He cut another large chunk with his dagger- ten left now. He ruled!

Suddenly, he felt a short sharp pain around his stomach… no… it couldn't be…

**COULDN'T BE WHAT?! STAY TUNED, MANGO OBSESSORS!**


	4. G is for Gag

4- G is for Gag

It was, Lommi knew it. He had just gagged.

Seymour looked at him viciously. "What's wrong, little Lommi?" he asked venomously, attacking his red fruit. "Feeling a little… delicate, are we? Must be the acidity of the green ones! HAHAHAAARRGGH" His laugher faded into a coughing fit as he began choking on a piece of mango. Lommi suppressed his laughter (just) and picked up another one.

True, he had been foolish in choosing green. He had trained with mixed coloured ones!  Gah, he had not anticipated such burning! Painfully he chomped on his ninetieth mango. Oh holy Yevon, such pain!

Seymour watched him, a smile of undeterred glee on his face. He was relenting, he could see it. BWAHAHAA! Victory was surely his…

Tromell sat in the kitchens drinking copious amounts of Sake. Was Seymour *really* fir to become the next leader of the people of Guadosalam? Was it such a good idea to have someone who was so competitive in command? Only one thing comforted him. If it wasn't Seymour taking over, it would be Jaxom. That would be frightening. Guadosalam would be painted green and red, mangos would be compulsory for breakfast. Eeeegh!

"Better count my blessings" he sighed, finishing his fourth bottle. "Maybe when his Lordship returns this madness will cease…"

Seymour looked at his pile. Seven left. And Lommi had eight to go. Perfect! He would show that disgustingly adorable teen. He was so damn nice, even though he had a mango for a head.

Wait

Lommi did *not* have a Mango head.

Seymour rubbed his eyes and looked again. Yup. Lommi had turned into a giant mango.

What was going on?

**INDEED, WHAT?**

**I'VE JUST REALISED WHERE I GOT THE NAME SAIMOURI FROM! RONIN WARRIORS! GOD I AM SUCH A SPAZMOUSE.**

**REVIEWS MAKE ME HAPPY AND LESS ANNOYED THAT SAIMOURI-CHAN ISNT MY LUUURVE SLAVE.**


	5. H is for Hallucinating

5- H is for Hallucinating

"Mango head." Saimouri whispered, pointing at Lombardi as bits of chewed up mango fell out of his mouth.

"EEEWWWW, gross!" replied the teen, averting his eyes from the despicable sight. What was that guy doing, chewing with his mouth open pointing at him with mango-hands…

Oh dear…

He had been warned of this… first sickness, then hallucinations then it would be…

"AAARRRRRGH"

He screamed as he bent over in agony. "No! Not stomach ache!"

Saimouri looked at the youth as he writhed in front of him. Was that really his fate? Was he to suffer with stomach aches and mango mango mango mango mango mango mango mango mango?

Mango mango?

Oh dear…

Trommell sat… or rather, lay sprawled on the table, his head pounding with excruciating pain… too much Sake…

"Trommell? What's going on?"

He looked up at the tall man "I can't explain myself. Go look." And with that he passed out cold.

Seymour could feel in brewing in the pit of his stomach. "Egad! Not the Pain!" The writhing agony spread through his chest as he collapsed onto the ground. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHGHGHGHHHHH!"

"Wuss!" Lommi managed to squeak whilst clutching his own stomach. He hadn't screamed that loudly…

"SWEET YEVON! SEYMOUR, WHAT'S GOING ON?!?"

Seymour managed to look up, only to see the disgusted face of his father. "Man-go…" he muttered before passing out cold. Jyscal shook his head and turned to a figure lurking in the shadows. "I fear our sons have outdone themselves."

The figure came forwards undaunted, laughing gruffly. He drew out his massive sword, slicing the last mango in half and chomping the two halves in seconds. He smirked victoriously at the stunned Guado, and savagely proclaimed "That's how it's done!"

**WHO WAS THAT STUNNING, GORGEOUS, MASAMUNE-WEILDING BABE-A-ROO? OK, MAYBE I'VE GIVEN AWAY HIS IDENTITY THERE…. BUT STAY TUNED!**


End file.
